Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Truth Be Told

So... Anyone who reads the comments on this blog is probably wondering a lot of things. So let me just publicly reply to my latest critic, "Karen", who I can honestly say I have no f-ing clue who she is, but has decided to throw down the gauntlet.
Well...
To answer some questions:
I am "Ms" (Mrs, actually) Nicole.
And to answer your questions and assumed accusations about my other children (two sons):
- you are absolutely right. I had zero moral character twelve YEARS ago when their dad and I divorced. I was an alcoholic, borderline drug addict, selfish, self-serving horrible excuse of a mother and human being. My self-serving attitudes coupled with addictions led meticulous a place in life of absolute debasement and worthless life decisions one after another.
Go ahead.
Judge.
-Yes. I LEFT my boys. I willingly left them with their father and loving, doting grandparents who have spent the last 12 years providing them a stable, NORMAL life, even a tad induldged, by my standards. A life I certainly would not have been able to provide for them for quite some time after the divorce from their dad.
Go ahead.
Judge.
I still stand by that decision. My boys have had a life full of love and normalcy that a mother who really needed to get her act together could not have provided.
- No. I have not seen my boys since I moved to Alaska. This seems to be by mutual
agreement. My younger son has informed me that he considers me his "birth mom" and his stepmom his "real
mom". My older son seems to have the same sentiment, though he is less outspoken about things like that. Regardless of how he feels about that, we maintain contact and keep in touch.
Go ahead.
Judge.
All the family members involved seem to be on the same page. All of these decisions have been discussed among all the parents involved.
We all knew a long time ago there would be aftermath in everyone's lives.
All of us (boys included) think that it would be more difficult and more detrimental to everyone's sense of normal and comfort fo me to barge back into their lives and assume the role of "mom", regardless of how well I've cleaned up over the last twelve years.
Many times I have been judged as being unfeeling or uncaring about what I left behind.
I am not unfeeling or uncaring.
I just know I did a lot of damage in the past.
Sometimes, the best way to "make ammends" is to apologize and then keep the hell away. Especially if that is what those that were hurt want you to do.

I don't even begin to pretend or think that I am a perfect mom these days. It took me nearly a decade to feel like I was worthy enough to pursue a happy marriage or any more children. I am
more keenly aware than anyone how I don't DESERVE a bit of my current life or happiness, but truly for the Grace of God, and accepting that Jesus died for really shitty moms and addicts- GOD has redeemed me and seen fit to give me such a wonderful life.
That's really good, because before I accepted that forgiveness, I almost nearly ended my own life because of the guilt that I was carrying around. It's a horrible feeling, being disgusted with yourself.

When I talk about my current life, express my opinions, or otherwise share on this blog, it IS from my new life.
"If any man (or woman) be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold all things are become new."
Thank God.
Thank God.
I do like the "new creature" I am better than the old thing I passed myself off for before.

So, Karen- if you are still reading my blog (in spite of your threat to leave) I hope that clarifies a bit. I hope throwing down the gauntlet achieved what you wanted. Think what you want to. Stop reading if you want to. Don't buy my crummy memoirs when I get around to writing them. I don't give a shit.

Family and friends- sorry this exposes so much personal stuff. Boys, you especially- I hope that the judgent other people pass on our family dynamics don't stick in your spirits. I've said "I'm sorry" a million times to both of you. I love you in that "birth mom" kind of way, and I am so glad that in spite of my decisions, you still let me peek in on your lives from time to time, and that you still treat me with more respect than I deserve from you. I am so grateful to your "real" mom and dad and grandparents for doing what I couldn't.
I only hope to do better by your sisters.

So.. All readers, sorry to mind vomit on this. Many of you have asked questions over the years. I hope you can see why I never really brought it up.
Also sorry for the swearing. I hate to hear yucky words, but in this instance, I just couldn't think of anything more intelligent to say.
If you are a local reader, please respect my privacy and my personal heartache that I have carried for years- don't ask me about it. My past, this post, this chapter in my life.

Now if y'all don't mind, I'd like to get back to just blogging about the much simpler life I am currently carving out for myself. Farming sure as fuck doesn't hurt as bad.

Until Next Time,
Happy Moose Trails

Now if y'all don't

I don't like to get preachy, but you know what? Thank GOD for forgiveness. Mine. An anyone else who calls on Him
and asks for it. It is His free gift for the taking.

18 comments:

JackDaddy said...

I think you said what needed to be said!

Moose Nuggets said...

Thanks, Jacksdaddy.
You don't happento rent out Jack for puppy kisses, do you?
I sure could use a cold, wet nose nudging today. Clucky chickens are great, but not as good at the companionship as one would like.
Give Jack a good scratching behind the ears for me!

Sparkless said...

Amen!

I have to say I really enjoy your blog and hope you can ignore any of the negative comments people make.

Susan Stevenson said...

You are an awesome mom and an amazing woman. Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with you sees that immediately.

A good mother will do what is best for her child and be selfless in that decision.

What I can't figure out is: how is your relationship with your sons any of Karen's business?

Gloria said...

You have been saved from yourself by God. That alone is the most wonderful thing about your life! I give you a lot of credit for speaking out like this, and my heart and prayers are with you 100% girl! I have been reading your blog for over a year, and I have to commend you in many ways! Keep the faith, and all things heal, I know!!!

Anonymous said...

Started reading your blog by chance and have really enjoyed it. It is by God's grace and mercy that any of us are sane in this crazy mixed up world. You truly are a shining example of what the Bible says of being "born again". May God continue to bless this redeemed second chapter of your life, and keep blogging. Its keeping this Texan with over a hundred degree weather entertained and jealous.

Miz Liz said...

I Love Love Love reading your Blog!! No one has the right to judge, only God and what we do or don't do is between us and God and no one else. We all make mistakes and do and say things we shouldn't..we are not perfect.
As a mom of 4 I totally can relate to everything you said today and you said it "just right"

Now lets get back to the little farm on the Tundra!!!

Liz :)

Tammy Kauffman said...

Sorry people can be rude. Your business is your business. I enjoy reading your blog and can't wait to read more.

Anonymous said...

thank you for your honesty and courage, I love reading your blog, please don't let negativity get in the way of sharing your joy of life with the world. Please take comfort in the fact that you regularly bring laughter to my part of the world - a loooong way away from Alaska :-)

Anonymous said...

Is Karen one of those squirrels from your rental home in North Pole?????

From reading your blog, I think you are a fantastic mother and person.

Thanks for the inspiring, funny, interesting and informative blog. Please don't stop.

Anonymous said...

I started reading your blog from Susan's and I truly enjoy it! Please post more often, I miss Alaska very much and live vicariously through you and Susan. I am a Mom and I know that parenting is riddled with tough choices. You seem to have tried your best to overcome your flaws and be a better person. Those who do that should be thanked and applauded, not criticized by strangers. None of us is perfect, we should give each other a boost, not a shove! Best to you and yours - Therese

~Missy~ said...

Dear sweet gal, I've talked to you, shared a bit with you, etc..and the "former" life is far behind. Told you our stories are very similar, and thru the Grace of God we are both where we are now. I know hurtful and pure nosey and uninformed replies are hard to ignore, but seriously, they more than likely have no right to be casting stones and at least you KNOW how much your life has changed, that you made the right decision for your children and that you, yourself, are a child of God now! Some times there just needs to be an "outlet", and I think you handled it well! Hang in there my Kindred spirit!!

Estra said...

Remember, at the end of the day, the only opinion of yourself that matters is your own. I think you're pretty awesome for what it's worth. One of my favorite quote's is “No one can make you feel inferior without your complete permission.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt. Like you said "now let's move on".

Life in the Heavrin house said...

I'm pretty sure that to know God's love you have to experience His grace/forgiveness. A is not better than B because they didn't do C. God simply isn't like that.

Hugs to you, sorry you had to deal with such a self-righteous person.

It takes courage to do what you did. Both in the past with your boys and now. IMO- the same courage it takes for a mom to give her kiddo up for adoption. It isn't easy, but sometimes it's for the best.

Sue-Michigan said...

I've been also reading your blog for sometime now, and by no means would I ever call you a bad mother or have any opinion on how you raise your little ones. You obviously have a really good head on your shoulders, and the unique fortune to teach the little ones about living off the land.
GOOD FOR YOU! Don't ever let anyone's opinion or nastiness make you feel different! Keep it up Moose Nugget! =)

Anonymous said...

We've been friends for so many years, and I KNOW, you are an amazing mom, wonderful wife and beautiful person. Just wanted you to know.
xoxo,
Jenn

Tracy said...

Hey Nicole, thanks for sharing that...as a wife of an alcoholic (no longer drinking) I appreciate your story and totally understand your current family dynamics. It sounds like you've come a long way from that time.

And as another Texan reader, I'm TOTALLY jealous that it's fall there already! lol I grew up in West. WA and still don't like the heat down here--If hubby could get a job up there, we'd be there in a heart beat but I think I'd freeze to death the first year trying to reacclimitize to it. lol

Susan said...

What an example of God's grace. Thanks for sharing.